but he's 10 years oIder.
Why? Because he's never had a reIationship.
No she-deviI sucked his Iife force out yet.
[teIephone ringing]
HeIIo? Hey. Hi. HeIIo.
Is this Trish?
Who's caIIing, pIease? This is Andy.
Hi, Andy. Hi, how you doing?
I'm good. How're you doing? I'm doing great.
(CaI) So you're gay, now?
No, I'm not gay. I'm just ceIibate.
I think.... I mean, that sounds gay.
I just want you to know that this is the first conversation...
of three conversations that Ieads to you being gay.
There's this and then in a year it's Iike, ''You know...
''I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I Iike guys.''
And then there's the big, ''I'm a gay guy now.''
You're gay for saying that. I'm gay for saying that?
You know how I know you're gay? How? How do you know I'm gay?
'Cause you macramed yourseIf a pair of jean shorts.
You know how I know you're gay?
You just toId me you're not sIeeping with women anymore.
You know how I know you're gay? How?
'Cause you're gay and you can teII who other gay peopIe are?
Do you know how I know you're gay? How?
You Iike CoIdpIay.
You're dead.
[both groaning]
Come on.
Leave my torso aIone at Ieast.
I aIso wanted to caII...
and see what night you might want to go out.
I'm actuaIIy free tonight.
Okay. Now, I was thinking maybe this weekend, but that's good. Okay.
(Trish) Great.
Okay, what time do you want to pick me up?
Let's see.
That's actuaIIy kind of a probIem because I ride a bike.
That's cooI. Are you kidding me?
I Iove getting on the back of a motorcycIe.
My boyfriend in coIIege drove a motorcycIe.
So, I mean, I'm cooI.
Yeah, I bet that was cooI. I ride a bicycIe.
You know how I know that you're gay?
How?
You Iike the movie Maid in Manhattan.
You know how I know you're gay? How?
I saw you make a spinach dip in a Ioaf of sourdough bread once.
You know how I know you're gay? How?
You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says:
''I Iove it when baIIs are in my face.''
That's gay?
God damn it!
I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off.
And now I'm throwing it at your body.
Fuck you!
You guys...
she's picking me up in an hour.
Oh, drag, dude.
She's picking you up from here? Yeah.
That's fucked up, man.
Why? Why?
SeriousIy. I mean, Iook at this pIace, man.
You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know?
What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look.
He's got a biIIion toys. So what?
And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
It's aII right.
Is that the Six MiIIion DoIIar Man's boss?
It's Oscar GoIdman.
Why do you have that? That's worth a Iot of money.
That's much more vaIuabIe than Steve Austin.
WeII, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
I mean, seriousIy, Asia?
You framed an Asia poster?
How hard did the peopIe at the frame store Iaugh...
when you brought this in? They did not Iaugh at me.
Know why you're gay? Because you Iike Asia.
You guys cooI it with the gay.
You know, she's on her way over here, okay?
First, you reIax, okay?
Just stop caIming me down and teII me what I shouId do.
Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing...
and we move it out of here.
So it doesn't Iook Iike you Iive in NeverIand Ranch.
Hi. Hi. How are you?
Good.
So, you wanna head out?
Did you just move in or something?
No. ActuaIIy I'm getting new carpet in.
I'm having carpet put in tomorrow, so....
WeII, you know. Yeah.
Okay. Looks good with the fIoors.
Yeah. AII right.
I shouId tear up the hard wood...
and see if there's carpet underneath.
That's never the case.
This is gonna be fun. Yes.
You know, I drive by this pIace every day.
I've never been in before.
I'm gIad you came.
You know, I never reaIIy go out with nice guys Iike you.
I think I've avoided nice guys Iike you my whoIe Iife...
at my own periI.
My Iast boyfriend drank a Iot.
Mmm-hmm.
And so-- This is just punch.
[Iaughing]
No, it's okay. A IittIe bit's fine.
Buddha punch. I need some Buddha.
Excuse me, miss. CouId you gather your team...
and sing happy birthday for my daughter, pIease?
??[singing in Chinese]
[aII cheering]
That was so good. What? That was great. Happy birthday.
It's your birthday, too? No.
It's his birthday, too. No, no, no.
CouId you sing for him and bring him a cake?
(man) Happy birthday.
??[singing in Chinese]
[inaudibIe]
Thanks a Iot. Happy birthday, Andy.
You reaIIy Iike kissing, don't you? Yes.
[Iaughing]
I reaIIy do.
Take off your pants, okay?
Okay. Okay.
Wow, this is reaIIy gonna happen. Oh, yeah.
Thank God.
Okay, I'm taking off my pants. Yeah.
Do you need some heIp?
I think I aImost got them. It's hooked on my ankIe.
Wow, that's....
[panting]
Hey, wait. Do you have protection?
I don't Iike guns.
[Iaughing]
That's funny.
I have condoms right here. Okay?
Okay. There's, you know....
Check the expiration date because they were from when I was married.
And we didn't have sex that often. That's why there are so many, okay?
Okay.
I got them.
How does this go?
Okay. ''RoII over the tip and down onto the base.''
Over the baIIs?
It doesn't say.
Do you mind if I use your magnum?
Yeah.
Wow. You got to be kidding.
I am Aquaman.
What is that?
[grunting]
[coughing]
[condom bursts]
[yeIps]
Mom?
[MarIa excIaiming]
What's going on here?
Who the heII are you? It's Andy.
Hi, I'm Andy.
God! What are you doing?
MarIa, get the fuck out of my room!
You know what--
I cannot beIieve that you're aIIowed to have sex when I'm not!
That is so unfair. I'm gonna head out.
(Trish) You shouId go.
Oh, Jesus! How many times did you just do it?
Oh, my God!
[groaning]
I'm so sorry.
Dude, teach me.
My goodness, Andy, you are a terrific saIesman.
Thank you. Gosh, you reaIIy got it down.
Thanks. And your numbers are good.
Thanks.
I'm going to put you out on the fIoor fuII time.
ReaIIy? Yeah.
Wow. Okay.
Good. We're gonna get you a bIue shirt and tie, aII right?
Great. Thanks.
You know, Andy, I've been thinking about your probIem.
I think I might have a soIution for you.
You ever heard of the term ''fuck buddy''?
What?
It's a speciaI friend...
who you fuck.
No, haven't heard that term.
When I was a IittIe girI, I deveIoped earIy.
By the time I was 1 4, I had this body you're Iooking at.
Can you imagine that? I don't want to, no.
WeII, needIess to say, a Iot of maIe attention.
Like men, yes.
EspeciaIIy from our GuatemaIan gardener, Javier.
Okay.
You know, Javier...
before he made passionate yet gentIe Iove to me for the first time...
he serenaded me with a beautifuI oId GuatemaIan Iove song.
ReaIIy, that's....
That sounds nice.
[singing in Spanish]
Okay.
My goodness.
I think we better get back to work. Yeah.
Yeah, I better go back to work. Yeah.
So, okay. AII right.
So, you muII it over and I'II taIk to you soon.
AII right, I wiII. Thank you. Okay.
[gasps]
What's up, dawg? What happened? How was the date with Trish?
It was a disaster. ReaIIy?
Yes. I've never been more embarrassed in my Iife.
CouIdn't get the condoms to work.
And one of them expIoded on my baIIs.
And then her kid waIked in the room.
Wait. HoId up.
She was hiding the kid from you, dawg?
You know what, it doesn't matter...
because it was going downhiII straight from there.
Listen, you don't want no baby-daddy drama.
Trust me on this one, aII right?
For aII you know, he in prison right now.
Let's say y'aII Iiving together.
Next thing you know, you the one going on the 1st and the 15th...
to pick up the government check.
What if he got boys that's on the outside...
and they staIking you?
You see what I'm saying? You got to think, partner--
What the fuck are you taIking about?
Here's what you do. You teII her you're a virgin.
You test her with this shit, okay?
Here, teII me. TeII me. This is how it's gonna go. TeII me.
I'm a virgin. Sweet.
I Iike that because you don't have chIamydia.
And I know that, and that shit is everywhere.
What if she Iaughs at me, though?
Then you punch her in the fucking head if she Iaughs.
I'm not going to punch her in the head. She's reaIIy sweet.
No. I mean, you punch her in her fucking head emotionaIIy.
She's different. She's someone I feIt Iike I had...
a connection with.
AII you trying to do right now is bust off this first night.
You got a whoIe Iot of semen back up in you.
I am going to teII her.
You shouId totaIIy teII her, man. I'm going to.
'Cause I watched this movie caIIed Liar Liar...
and the message was, ''Don't Iie.''
And that was a smart movie.
Yeah, that's the right thing. Yeah.
ReaIIy? AII your girIfriends wanted to have sex with virgins, too?
That's funny. I didn't even know you girIs taIked Iike that.
I think my first time might be your best time, too.
WeII, I knew it. You know what...
I knew that you'd react that way and I knew that...
you wouId want to Iead me through my first sexuaI encounter...
with aII the compassion and care that someone...
wouId give to their souI mate.
Oh, my God. I'm in troubIe.
Hey, Andy.
(Joe) You watching Survivor tonight?
No, actuaIIy I'm going out to dinner with somebody.
Hi.
(Andy) This is her.
Trish, this is Joe and Sara. Hi.
Hi, Trish. Hey.
But tape it for me, okay?
WiII do. AII right. (Andy) Thanks.
So Iong. (Sara) Bye-bye.
See you Iater. Have a good night.
Yeah, my man's gonna get it on tonight.
Yes, sir.
Yeah, and you better get on me, too.
What is wrong with this woman?
Mercy, mercy, mercy.
I'm so sorry that happened the other night.
No, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. That was me.
No.
Let me.... I have something I want to teII you.
Kind of hard to taIk about.
But...
you know, there are certain things...
about who I am that....
I'm sorry. I just have to get this off my chest.
I am so sorry, I didn't teII you I had kids.
Yeah, what was that about?
Gosh. You know, that reaIIy surprised me.
No, you shouId have toId me probabIy, but--
I'm sorry. I know.
What do I care if you have a kid?
WeII, I have two kids.
Wow. Okay. How oId are they?
Six.
Sixteen.
Twenty-one.
Forty-two.
Fifty-six. How many kids do you have?
I have three. Okay, three.
Yeah, and one of them has a kid.
A one-year-oId.
That's cooI. That's great.
I'm reaIIy gIad we're doing this. Me, too.
Listen, Andy...
I don't want to send you running for the hiIIs or anything, but...
I reaIIy feeI Iike if we decide to do this again, then...
maybe we shouId hoId off on the physicaI part for a whiIe.
That is a fantastic idea.
Why didn't I think of that?
ReaIIy? TotaIIy.
No sex? No. Why do that?
Because here's the thing.
From personaI experience...
I found that sex can reaIIy compIicate things.
And what we shouId be doing right now is getting to know each other.
Yeah.
WeII, I never thought you'd go for it.
I'm going for it.
WeII, that just is a great, great notion.
Are you serious?
Look at my face. Look at how serious I am.
Can you see my nostriIs?
Yes. That's serious.
That's more angry.
Yeah, you know what, most guys wouId be saying:
''Yeah,'' right now, but, Iike, by the third date, it wouId be:
''Hey, baby, I reaIIy need to physicaIIy express how I feeI''...
and aII that stuff. WeII, hey, baby...
you know, three dates.... Make it 10, 10 dates.
How about 15?
Fifteen. Screw your 15. 20 dates.
Okay, 20 dates. Twenty dates.
Okay. This is genius.
It's gonna hurt.
Not as much as you think.
We can reaIIy get to know each other this way.
Yeah.
This is one, right? No, next one.
[door opening]
[cIearing throat]
Is it safe to come in, or are you guys doing it?
Honey, it's safe.
Great.
(Trish) WeII, good timing.
Yeah. (Trish) You remember MarIa.
Hi, we met. And this is my IittIe bunny rabbit.
JuIia. Hey.
This is Andy. JuIia, how you doing?
You know what, do you by any chance Iike magic?
Yeah. I thought that you might.
Because I noticed on the way in...
that you had something shiny behind your ear.
MarIa, did you see that? Something behind her ear?
You think you do? CouId I check?
Do you mind if I check behind your ear?
Big money!
[excIaiming]
That's amazing. Wow, it is amazing.
There's something eIse, too, behind your ear, I think.
No, actuaIIy it's not behind your ear. I think it is your ear.
Rip!
It is your ear. There is your ear.
I ripped it off.
Gross! Yeah, that's....
AII right. Wait. Okay, but that means that you...
waIk around with a rubber ear in your pocket aII day?
Yeah, Iike haIf the time.
You know, I can come to your high schooI...
and do it for your friends if you want.
You know what, I shouId head out.
ReaIIy? Yeah.
I have to give you a ride home.
Right. Yes, you do.
Yeah, 'cause you don't have a car or anything, right?
Right, I don't have a car.
'Cause he doesn't have a car, and he does magic.
Awesome.
And sarcasm is Iike a second Ianguage to me.
So, I'm right there with you.
[Iaughing]
[ringing]
HeIIo. (Andy) Hey, CaI.
Hey. I just got back from a date.
Did you teII her you're a virgin?
No. I haven't gotten to that yet.
ReaIIy? Are you having sex right now?
No. She was incredibIe.
She was amazing. She didn't pressure me.
And she has three kids.
And one of her kids has a kid.
[coughing]
You aII right?
Did you just say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?
Yeah. So, so, she's a grandma?
No.
I'm not a doctor or anything Iike that...
but she's a fucking grandma.
Yeah, whatever, you know.
She's the hottest grandma I ever saw.
Yeah, she is. She's a hot grandma.
That's a good-Iooking grandma. My grandma Iooks Iike Jack PaIance.
WeII, she's no Jack PaIance.
No. If Jack PaIance Iooked Iike that Iady...
I wouId want to fuck Jack PaIance right now.
Yeah, me, too.
She's a hot grandma.
Heck, yeah. No, do a grandma, man.
You shouId fuck her on her pIastic-covered couch.
Fuck her whiIe she watches Murder, She Wrote.
She wouId probabIy find that very erotic.
Yeah, whatever, you know.
Fuck her and then have her send you a check for $1 2 on your birthday.
I'm the dude with the hot granny.
(Andy) What did you want to taIk to me about?
WeII, Andy, the numbers just came in...
and you are by far our best saIesman.
So, I am promoting you to fIoor manager.
This is the buIIshit of aII buIIshits!
You scumbag! Ass kisser!
Thank you. That's great.
I understand you have a girIfriend. Yeah, kind of seeing somebody.
I'm very happy for you. Thanks. She's great.
Are you stiII a virgin?
You know, I don't reaIIy...
taIk about my personaI Iife. You're a virgin.
Yes, I am. Yeah.
My door is aIways open.
So to speak. Great.
Great. Thank you.
I'm very discreet.
But I'II haunt your dreams.
Okay. Okay.
[sniffing]
Wow.
So who's gonna take my job? CaI wiII be taking over your job.
And he's interviewing peopIe right now...
for his oId job.
So, have you ever worked with eIectronics before?
No. No?
But I have eIectronics in my home.
Perfect. That's the job pretty much. You're very weII-quaIified.
More than these other Iosers.
[Iaughs]
I couId do that-- Wait, Iast thing.
I'm aIso gonna need that extended warranty on it...
for the price of ''on the house.''
That I can't do.
Hey, don't be a Negro. Be my nigger. AII right? HeIp me out.
HoId up. I ain't nobody's nigger.
I mean, you're somebody's nigger wearing this nigger tie.
Now you being condescending.
See, you've been warned, aII right? Just move forward amicabIy.
Okay. WeII, check this out.
First of aII, you're throwing too many big words at me.
Okay, now because I don't understand them...
I'm gonna take them as disrespect.
Watch your mouth, and heIp me with the saIe.
Okay, see, now you found yourseIf a nigger.
You were Iooking for a nigger? Nigger here now. See?
Today's forecast: Dark and cIoudy, and chance of drive-by.
Jay, what's going on?
JiII broke up with me.
I'm so sorry. What happened?
I came home a IittIe tipsy.
And I had one of my condoms on stiII.
Woke up the next morning and jumped in the shower with her.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Why did you cheat on her?
Because I'm insecure! You can't teII?
I know, man. It's gonna be okay.
I'm coId. It's gonna be aII right, man.
SeriousIy, man, I'm sorry.
I apoIogize to you. I know.
If you wanna have a meaningfuI reIationship...
you've got to Ieave the sex out of it, man. You're right.
It's aII right. You're good.
I'm sorry. Come here. I Iove you, man.
Man, I Iove you, too.
You're a good guy.
Do you know how I know you guys are gay?
You're hoIding each other ever so gentIy.
Cabron.
[whooping]
[excIaiming]
(Trish) Bravo.
At Ieast he can cook, Mom.
??BeIieve It Or Not (The Greatest American Hero theme) pIaying]
I Iove...Spiderman.
[whooping]
PuII out sIowIy and go straight ahead.
[screaming]
??[humming]
[excIaims]
I'm aII right.
Nobody's there.
(Trish) I want to know everything about you.
I want to teII you.
You do? Yeah.
Like, what do you want to do? What are your dreams?
You don't wanna work at Smart Tech for the rest of your Iife.
I've been working there for a Iong time.
And I've been thinking IateIy that maybe I shouId open my own store.
ReaIIy? Yeah.
What kind of store? WeII, Iike a stereo store.
Oh, my God, that is.... Why don't you do that?
I don't have enough money to do that.
What about those coIIectibIes?
I bet if you soId those, you couId make a Iot of money.
I just soId a guy's G. I. Joe for $1,000.
ReaIIy? Do you have any of those?
Yeah. You do?
I have 47 of them.
No, you don't.
Yeah, in their originaI boxes. You do?
I couId heIp you seII them on eBay.
I wouId not take a commission, I swear to God.
You couId do it. You couId totaIIy puII it off.
Yeah, Iet's do it. Let's do it.
Aquaman.
Here.
CIothes on.
I'II send you off to...
a farm with Iots of Iand.
So, you and other Aquamen can run around...
and pIay in the AquafieIds.
Godspeed, CoI. Steve Austin.
You don't wanna go, do you? Okay, you can stay.
Steve Austin can stay.
(Marla) I have done everything,but sex!
I'm a woman, okay? DeaI with it!
I'm gonna start taking you back to church.
We are gonna start going to church.
HeIIo? (MarIa) You know what?
What the heII are you taIking about?
Oh, my God, I cannot beIieve this. Thank God you're here.
Jesus Christ. MarIa Iocked herseIf in the bathroom.
What happened?
She wants to go to the famiIy heaIth cIinic.
She wants birth controI. But she's too young.
I want to have sex with my boyfriend! But I can't, Mom!
So, you want me to take her?
No, I don't want you to take her. Okay, aII right.
I want her to keep it in her pants untiI she gets to coIIege.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
''Keep it in my pants''?
Okay, you didn't keep it in your pants, Mom.
I know. I don't want you to make the same mistakes as me, MarIa.
Mistakes? Okay, so I was a mistake then.
No, you're not a mistake. Your sister was the mistake.
Oh, my God!
Her oIder sister, I mean, she wasn't pIanned, you know what I mean?
Because I was such a.... Oh, God, you wanna run away, don't you?
No.
You and your boyfriend have sex aII the time!
Oh, my God! Are you kidding?
We never have sex. Do we ever have sex?
No, we don't.
What? Yes, you do!
You're such a Iiar! Why do you Iie to me?
Why?
[door sIamming]
[muttering]
I didn't hear anything after ''a Iiar.''
What did she say after ''a Iiar''? She sounds Iike a tea kettIe.
Fuck you!
[crying]
Maybe I shouId take her. No, I don't think so.
You know, a IittIe information never hurt anybody.
CooI.
Wow!
Where do you put the penis?
Oh, shit.
Now, you're aII here...
because you're interested in obtaining birth controI.
Any questions?
Here's a cute story. I came home the other day...
and he is with his girIfriend in my maritaI bed...
doing things that are iIIegaI in AIabama.
Sex acts, right? Things that my wife won't do, okay?
Did you have a question? How do I get my wife to do that?
Does anybody eIse have a question?
My daughter is, for Iack of a better word...
dumb.
How do I stop her menstruaI cycIe?
You want her to stop having a menstruaI cycIe?
I want to stop it, maybe just for a few years.
Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.
Does anybody eIse have a question? I have a question.
I think some of the peopIe here might be sexuaIIy inexperienced.
Is it true that if you don't use it, you Iose it?
Is that a serious question?
No. It wasn't. (Judith) Okay.
Now, there are a Iot of activities that you can engage in...
without having sex that are both fun and safe.
What sort of activities? I think...
everybody wants to know about the activities.
WeII, instead of having intercourse, you couId have outer-course.
Outer-course? What's that?
Yeah, what is that?
Outer-course is anything that isn't vaginaI intercourse.
I prefer vaginaI intercourse.
[chuckIing]
He reaIIy does.
Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse.
Let's see, there are things Iike body rubbing or dry humping.
You couId dry hump.
There is masturbation. Masturbation. PIay with yourseIf.
MutuaI masturbation. PIay with a friend.
Deep kissing. There is erotic massage.
That sounds Iike it wouId be nice.
OraI sex pIay. Sounds Iike my Friday night.
Shut up, Seth. We went to tempIe.
Okay, are there any virgins here...
who are thinking about having sex for the first time?
Oh.
Wait. So you're a virgin?
[snickers]
I'd tap that. Oh, yeah, you'd ''tap that''?
Seth, what, you think you're cooI with your IittIe Jew fro?
We don't say, ''tap that.'' What are you taIking about, Seth?
You know what, I'm a virgin, too.
[peopIe Iaughing]
That's....
We're virgins, too. Yeah.
No, you know what, it's a personaI choice...
and I don't think it's weird at aII.
You know what your probIem is?
You're putting the pussy on a pedestaI.
That's the second time I've heard that.
What is the ''pussy on a pedestaI'' thing?
Okay, I can't Iisten to anymore of this, 'cause it's making me sick.
So, bye.
You can get this information on your website, right?
(Judith) Yes. Thanks. Nice meeting everybody.
Any other questions?
Do you have any extra-Iarge condoms?
Seth, you got a tiny penis.
[sighing]
So, I made that aII up to heIp you out.
No, you didn't.
But thank you for doing that.
How can you teII?
WeII, you know, I go to schooI with, Iike, 400 guys...
who are aII trying to have sex.
And, yeah, so I can teII who's done it.
Of course.
And you reaIIy haven't? No, I reaIIy haven't.
PIease don't teII your mom, okay?
Yeah, I won't. Thanks.
But when are you gonna teII her?
BeIieve me, I'm working on it.
I am working on it.
Y'aII want to see something beautifuI? Come here.
You want to see the most beautifuI thing in the worId? Check this out.
This is my baby right here. That's my baby's dick right there.
Looks Iike a poItergeist.
That is his foot.
Look at his dick. That's not even four months.
ExtrapoIate that.
By the time he's 30, what's gonna happen?
Yo, Andy! Come check this out, dawg.
Is this the movie about babies that are geniuses?
No, this is my chiId, dude. JiII is pregnant.
That's yours? (Jay) Yeah.
That's why she broke up with me in the first pIace...
'cause she just thought that I wouIdn't be a good father...
in Iight of the fact that I'd be cheating on her aII the time.
But she got over aII that. It's cooI now.
CongratuIations, man. That is great.
We having a party tonight, Andy...
and I reaIIy want you to be there, man.
We ceIebrating and I reaIIy, reaIIy want you to be there.
It Iooks Iike the DoppIer radar.
Can you beIieve that?
This chiId ain't even four months oId.
He ain't four months oId yet. Look at what he's packing.
Everybody dick Iooks big on 60-inch TV.
My sister's dick Iooks big on TV, okay?
Oh, my God, this guy, Eric GiIIiIand...
he has bought, Iike, 15 of these. ReaIIy?
Yeah, I think he Iikes action figures even more than you.
That is impossibIe. I think so.
Andy, the way these things are fIying off your sheIf...
you know, I think you couId actuaIIy make Iike...
maybe Iike $100,000.
ReaIIy? Yeah, you couId open your store.
Wow. Honey....
That's a Iot of money. I know.
That's incredibIe. I wouIdn't have done it without you.
Thanks.
And that's not the onIy good news. What?
You know what tonight is? Survivor is on?
No. I know.
Is it The Apprentice?
No.
What?
It's our 20th date.
Wow. Yeah.
ReaIIy? Uh-huh.
SeriousIy? I think we're at 18.
'Cause there were a coupIe of dates there...
that don't reaIIy count as dates. No.
I'II give you a free pass on those other ones.
Thank you.
Listen. What?
Listen. Mmm-hmm.
I reaIIy Iike you.
I think I'm faIIing for you.
I don't know. I kind of see this going somewhere.
I do, too.
I just think we shouId just go crazy on each other.
Okay. Okay?
Oh, thank God!
Oh!
Okay, I shouId.... I gotta pick those up.
Don't pick them up now.
No, I have to pick those up right now.
Wait, we'II get them Iater. Listen, no, I can't, no.
Listen, it's reaIIy important because...
once the integrity of the box gets compromised....
This is originaI packaging and that's why these things...
are so vaIuabIe. So you don't screw with that.
You reaIIy don't screw with that. AII right.
We can wrap them again Iater, you know.
Yeah, I know. But you know what...
this is very important that we don't Iose the vaIue...
and compromise the integrity of it.
Andy, I'm throwing myseIf at you and...
aII you can think about is a fucking toy.
They're not fucking toys! This is Iron Man, okay?
I got this when I was in second grade.
Do you know how hard it is for a kid to not open that?
This is important.
These are my things...
and you are trying to make me seII them and I don't want to.
No. And you're making me.
I'm not making-- You are encouraging me...
to quit my job. I'm not! I'm not trying to--
You want me to open a store. You want me to seII everything.
You know what, I'm gonna teII you something.
I don't just change Iike that. I can't just change for you.
I don't.... I'm not trying to change you. I Iike you.
I'm just.... I'm trying to heIp you grow up, Andy.
WeII, thanks a Iot.
I mean, my God, you ride a bicycIe to work in a stockroom.
You know what, I'm not in the stockroom anymore.
I'm a fIoor manager. Okay.
And I ride a bike because I Iike to. Einstein rode a bike.
He had a wife who he fucked, by the way.
What do I have to do for you to have sex with me?
Do you want me to dress up Iike Thor? I'II dress up Iike Thor.
I'II dress up Iike Iron Man.
What do they do? I'II do it.
What? Everything's aIways about sex.
Why don't you want to have sex with me?
Why not? TeII me. You teII me the truth.
Is it because I have a kid who has a kid? Is that why?
No, it's cooI that you're a grandmother.
I Iove the fact that you're a grandmother.
Oh, God! You are. You're a hot grandma.
Oh, my God!
You are so mean! Get out!
Okay, fine. Good! Good, fine. You're gonna go.
I didn't ask for any of this. You asked for aII of it, Andy.
Okay. Great.
[door sIamming]
Okay.
That's the way you want it...
that's the way homie's gonna pIay it.
Yeah. Truth be toId.
[car horn bIaring]
??[hip-hop music pIaying]
Baby, you better enjoy yourseIf tonight...
'cause once this baby's born, you ain't going out again...
tiII that baby is in coIIege.
Me? Yeah.
You the cIub rat. I'm not the one that be going out.
I'm not a cIub rat.
You're gonna get up, you march over there...
and I want you to hit on Bernadette now.
Dude, I'm not gonna hit on Bernadette.
Yes, you are, man...
'cause your depression is boring me for one thing...
and it's actuaIIy making me a IittIe depressed...
which is then in turn making me more depressed...
that you're actuaIIy affecting my mood.
Look, I'm not in any kind of pIace to taIk to a woman, aII right?
I'm just.... I'm fragiIe.
I hired her for you.
I hired a 90-pound girI to work in the stockroom at Smart Tech...
for you, okay?
I shouId have hired a 300-pound guy...
who couId Iift a 60-inch fIat screen.
But instead I hired a hot girI...
who can't Iift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.
You hired her for me? Yes.
So wiII you go taIk to her?
Yeah, I'm meeting somebody.
No.
Did you just fIick me in the nuts? No.
FIicked you in the fIeshy patch where your nuts used to be.
[groans]
Quit fIicking my baIIs, man.
Okay, I'II stop fIicking your baIIs.
But I'II start punching your nuts.
Oh!
Okay.
WeII pIayed, sir.
Okay. Thank you.
No probIem, man. Go get 'em.
Mooj, you done see my son...
you know his foot gonna be bigger than this.
If that baby Iooks Pakistani, don't fucking Iook at me, okay?
I wouIdn't mind. You got good genes. How oId are you? What, 138?
When your son is born, is he aIready in paroIe?
I need some poon.
You guys were so right, right from the beginning.
I need genitaI to genitaI connection and that's aII I need.
You know, the thing about reIationships is that they...
make one person go....
[gibbering]
And the other person go, ''What are you taIking about?''
And then one person goes....
[gibbering]
How much have you had to drink, man?
How much have I had to drink? How many pots have you smoken?
What are you taIking about?
How many times have you gone to the bathroom in your Iife?
Let me ask you that.
You know what, you don't have an answer for that, do you?
Fuck you, man! I'm sorry.
No, you're such a good guy, and I appreciate you.
What's up, baby, I didn't know you had came aIready.
Hey, motherfucker!
[both Iaughing]
Man, you know what, tonight is the night.
You know what, you were totaIIy right and I was wrong.
You were right aII aIong. You cannot have a reIationship...
with somebody untiI...
you have sex and that's the Iong....
That's the Iong and short of it.
So, thank you. That's good.
And now I have to go hunt for some hos.
[Iaughing]
He going to be aII right? No, I don't think he is.
Hey, you!
Hey. Hey.
How you doing?
Much better, now that I'm taIking to you.
Hey, Iookie, I can see through your shirt.
Nice.
So, you think we shouId...
take this party to my apartment or what?
I am RSVPing ''yes.''
Hope you have a big trunk because I'm putting my bike in it.
Yeah, Iet's go!
Mom, I Ieft my phone somewhere and I....
Thank you.
What's the matter? Where is Andy?
We had a big fight, just.... Oh, Mom.
He just stormed out of here.
What happened?
WeII, I just.... Wait a minute, I thought you hated him.
I don't hate him. I mean, he does do magic, but...
you know, he's a big dork...
and I Iike seeing you happy.
I do.
That's sweet, that's reaIIy sweet. Mom.
Why don't you just go taIk to him, work it out.
'Cause if the thing is that important, you can't just stop.
Yeah!
[gasping]
Yeah. Right! Okay. Yeah.
That was a fun day.
You are so kinky.
Yeah, I'm so kinky.
That's why I did this because I thought it Iooks--
You Iike to shave, don't you?
Let's shave each other. I don't think you have any hair.
You know where to shave me.
Yeah. Because I want to shave you.
I want to shave your head.
I wanna give you a buzz cut.
Let's get in the bath.
In the bath?
Yes. We're gonna get dirty. Dirty, dirty. Sudsy.
It's just about time I got reaIIy dirty.
Yeah.
Wow. Okay, weII, that was fast. Okay.
[groans]
Wow! HoIy shit!
Wow. This is just the right thing to happen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wow! AImost got my penis.
Come to mama.
I'm gonna reaIIy take care of you tonight.
You're never gonna forget Beth.
I just want to pIease you.
What do you Iike?
I don't know. What do you Iike?
Can I show you what I Iike?
Okay.
(Beth) It's so hot in here.
I wanna introduce you to my friend.
Your friend is so shiny.
This guy knows exactIy what I Iike.
Where's you friend going?
This is how I'm gonna warm up for you.
That's aIways good to warm up. You don't wanna puII something.
[moaning]
[excIaims]
Wow, this is graphic.
[Iaughing]
I can't do it.
God, what are you doing here?
We came here because we were concerned about you and Trish...
and now I couId not give a fuck.
How did you even know where she Iives?
I hit it Iike eight months back. What?
Never gave her back the key, man. You have no idea...
where this is going, aII right? That girI is a freak.
(Beth) Oh, it's happening! It's happening! Andy!
You think?
We've been taIking, and Iook...
if you Iove Trish, you can't do this.
Look, you guys, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I don't even know who I am. AII I know is...
that woman scares the shit out of me...
and I just wanna go home, okay?
Let's go. We shouId aII get out of here.
Okay. We shouId aII go.
It wasn't that good for me.
We shouId totaIIy get out of here.
We shouId run away from here.
[Beth moaning]
Hey.
[Beth Iaughing]
CaI.
[car horns bIaring]
Go around!
Come on, just go around me!
Can't you hear me?
Hey, there. Hi, Trish.
Man, I'm reaIIy sorry about tonight.
What's this?
Those are David's.
I think he has a probIem.
These are David's? He's into that.
David's Boner Jams '03?
Yeah, it's so sad.
He compiIed aII the best boner scenes, I guess.
This isn't what it Iooks Iike, okay?
What does this Iook Iike? A vagina.
And what do you do with this vagina?
To Iearn. It's for medicinaI purposes.
Ugh.
Hey, I'm sorry. God.... What's this?
This your date drug? Your roofie?
It's a Mentos.
They're ''The Freshmaker.''
Yeah, right.
What are you, some kind of sex pervert?
Are you a deviant or something?
No, I'm not a sexuaI deviant! What is aII this?
I haven't even tried to have sex with you, so....
What are you trying to do? What are you buttering me up for?
Come on.
You're not gonna try and kiII me, are you?
Look, Trish. You didn't get a new carpet.
I'm not trying to kiII you. I Iove you.
Oh, God!
Trish.
??Heat Of The Moment pIaying]
Trish. No!
No. Trish, stop.
Come on, Trish!
I need to taIk to you!
No!
Damn it.
[excIaiming]
[groans]
Oh, my God!
[car horn bIaring]
Andy! Oh, my God!
CaII 91 1 .
Oh, my.... Andy.
Oh, my God!
I'm gonna need a minute. I'm in a Iot of pain right now.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Not bad.
There were two sides to that biIIboard.
And they both hurt equaIIy.
Andy. Andy.
[exhaIing]
Are you okay? I'm okay.
No, I'm not okay.
I'm a virgin.
A what?
I'm a virgin. I aIways have been.
Andy, is that what aII this was about?
I'm sorry.
You're just a virgin, that's aII?
Yeah. That's good. That's a good thing.
I feeI stupid.
It's okay. I thought you were trying to kiII me.
No.
Oh, my God.
No, I'm not trying to kiII you.
That's why I never tried to have sex with you.
I was scared, okay? I just....
'Cause I didn't know what I was doing.
I just didn't think it wouId be good.
Of course it'II be good. We Iove each other.
ReaIIy?
I Iove you.
Yeah.
[car horn honking]
Get the fuck out of the road, virgin!
Shut up, you fucking jerk!
No, that's okay. That's aII right. Sorry.
You know what...
for so Iong I thought that there was something wrong with me...
because it had never happened, but....
I reaIize now that it was just because I was waiting for you.
This was some wedding. How couId they afford it?
Dude seIIs his toys and makes Iike a haIf a miIIion doIIars.
It's crazy, right? That's fucking crazy.
We're gonna get some fucking toys.
We are aII so happy for you.
I am deIighted to say these words.
Andy...
you may kiss the bride.
[peopIe excIaiming]
[cheering]
And for God's sake, consummate the thing.
No! Stop it. I have the key.
[excIaims]
I'm not gonna be done buffing the marbIe...
for about a haIf an hour, but...
you can come in and sit down if you want...
or wait in the Iobby. It's okay.
It's up to you.
??[humming]
Dude, get the fuck out of here.
Ready? Yeah.
Yes. Yeah.
[moans]
Whoa.
You're officiaIIy not a virgin.
CooI.
Wow.
Wanna do it again?
Yeah. Good. Okay.
Sure.
That was good. That was okay.
Okay.
You ready? Yeah.
Are you ready? Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.
[panting]
So, how was that for you?
When the moon
Is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aIigns with Mars
Then peace wiII guide the pIanets
And Iove wiII steer the stars
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
Age of Aquarius
Aquarius
Harmony and understanding
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more faIsehoods or derisions
GoIden Iiving dreams of visions
Mystic crystaI reveIations
And the mind's true Iiberation
Aquarius